Great Conversations in (My) Congolese History #1

(At the end of class)

Elève 1: Teacher, what is a "pimp?"

Me: Well, um, do you know what a prostitute is?

Elève 1: (Smirking) Yes.

Me: Well, a pimp is a man who sells his prostitutes. (Seeing a look of confusion on their faces) But it's not "selling" like slavery. He sells them for, um, an amount of time.

Elève 2: Oh, so it's like my phone, when I give it to someone, and then he pays me for the minutes he used.

Me: Um, sure...

Non-Rooster-Related Reason For Getting Out Of Bed In The Morning #1

My brilliant students...

The S.S. Institute of Awesome

Sitting in their tiny chairs, the new students looked on with intrigue at their instructor. Sporting sneakers, khakis, a ruffled-up shirt, and a cap worn backwards to hide his curly locks of hair, the man was a walking stereotype. “Muzungu,” his pupils thought with content. And simultaneously staring back, exams in one hand and sweat mercilessly dripping down his face, the newly enshrined teacher gazed out at his project and pondered, “What the fuck have I gotten myself into this time…”

It has been about a month since the S.S. Institute of Awesome (more commonly known as the F.M.A. English Centre) opened its doors. The brainchild of Sœur Noella, myself, and my co-director Monsieur Jack, the Centre has been a rollercoaster ride since its inception. M. Jack and I began classes in mid-July at a nearby preschool with only about 15 students on our inscription list. Fast-forward to the present and we’ve relocated to Lycée Technique Hodari where we proudly host 100 learners, making us the largest English center in Ruashi. To put this figure into perspective, we share the building with another English center that is run by the US Embassy. They have textbooks and no tuition fees, yet only 20 students. Our operation, on the other hand, has expanded to the extent that we now offer two sessions for the beginner’s class alone. We instruct high schoolers, college students, teachers, engineers, and even doctors. On any given day, I’m usually one of the youngest people in my classroom. Luckily, I have a beard.

Within the institution, I serve as the co-director, CFO, and 2^nd level instructor. In other words, I do the paperwork, handle the finances, and, oh yeah, teach. To say the least, that last aspect has become a constantly evolving escapade. At our information session, I struck a conversation with a young man interested in my class. In talking with him, I could tell that his English was relatively advanced and immediately began fretting that I wouldn’t be able to sufficiently instruct him. WRONG. I gave an assessment exam on the first day of classes, and, well, the results were astonishing. The BEST score (which, by the way, wasn’t his) was a 58%, with a class average of 40%. Oh fun. Since then, I’ve slowly been working from the ground up, beginning with the parts of speech and stressing areas such as dictation and conversation. The immense amount of power I have in shaping these students’ English education has not been taken lightly.  Topics I find interesting (i.e. international politics, intellectual property, cats) become assignments, while those that I despise are banned from classroom discussion (I blacked out the word “Boston” in the last article we read. This is, after all, an Institute of Awesome…). Plus, I take the liberty of adding people from my life in all my exams (To my friends with non-traditional English names: I have a personal rule of using only one “unique” name per test so as not to confuse my students. You have no idea how hard it is to explain what a “Miggy” is in French…). But despite my Chairman Mao-like stranglehold on the curriculum, I constantly find myself in difficult situations, whether it’s awkward conversation sessions (Note to self: Never use “What did you do over the weekend?” as a conversation prompt. Nearly everyone will reply that they went to Mass and the one or two that didn’t will subsequently get drilled by their peers -> Are you a Christian?) or student questions that have nothing to do with what we’re talking about, and thus were not included in my lesson plan, and thus are not able to be answered by me, thus making me look like a moron.

Yet, my newfangled adventure has had its positive effects as well. You’d be amazed how much teaching English in French has increased my fluency. As part of my lesson prep, I make sure to know the French translation to EVERY English word I plan on using. Plus, the BS skills I developed in high school and later honed in college have come in quite handy here. As alluded to earlier, I have no textbook at my disposal. All lesson plans are formed out of an intricate collaboration between my mind and Wikipedia. Unfortunately, the constant blackouts here usually turn this promising partnership into a one-man show. Literally. There have been times when I’d walk into class without a clue in the world about what we’re going to do. Funny, those end up being the most productive days.

In close, this English center has been a whirlwind experience for me. Every week, I arrive at my classroom thinking, “I am not qualified to be doing this.” And every week, I turn off the lights, lock up, and think, “Yeah, there is no way I am qualified to be doing this. Awesome…”

African Afterthoughts:

-      With all the grammar that I’ve been reviewing lately, I have even more respect for my old grammar teacher, Mrs. Khokhar. One of these days, I need to exclaim that “Billy’s on the ball today…”

-      You are where you are where you are. The other day one of my students got up and tried to sell French-English dictionaries at the end of class. “On sale for the great price of $25!” he yelled. After class, I had a look at one these “bargain” deals. The listed price on the back cover was £ 5.99. Oh Congo…

-      On the subject of dictionaries, you wouldn’t believe how many kids have told me they want to learn English so that they can read the dictionary.  Man, they would have of loved Interdisc II…

-      There seems to be a budding relationship in my classroom. I can’t wait to intercept a note and make them translate it in front of the class…

-      Our unit on l’hockey sur la glace will be EPIC. Mark my words, I will have 30 Canucks fans by finals week…

-      Oh, I recently got roped into teaching Adobe Photoshop at the Cyber. Sure, that’s not problematic, considering that I haven’t used the program since middle school, am practically retarded when it comes to PCs, and still haven’t figured out the French keyboard. Ugh, I’ve never prayed so hard for a blackout in my life…

-       On a recent composition day (read: I didn't have time to prepare a lesson), I received the following essay: An day someone person came, at my home, in the group my girlfriend and the sister of my sweetlove. But my sweet tall me, please baby: «do me». I speak your fullish but you coming and your sister, next you tall me «do me?» Go! Me and you It finish. Thank you!

-      Reason I AM Andy Reich: I’ve had girls in my class hit on me…

-      Reason I am NOT Andy Reich: I don’t take them to Chili’s the next day.

A look inside my first classroom at Ecole Maternelle Bengalis